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MG Midget and Sprite General - Tools Explained

Sent to me by a local club member, thought some might enjoy.

TOOLS EXPLAINED:

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL BRUSH:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make wooden studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle . . . . It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Regards,

Larry C.






Larry C '69 Midget

Don't forget to put all those hand tools away neatly in a suitable tool box. I have the version that magically hides the exact tool that I am looking for at any given moment.
M Adams

I dont understand...sounds like any normal day at my shop....hahaha... I loved engine hoist...how freaken true is that

Something should really be mentioned as to why any tool.or hardware always dropps dead smack in the middle of the car on the ground and cant be reached or falls directly into a hole not made for such items or in pans filled with used oil ...

Welcome to my world of mg life

Prop
Pro P

How about you know it's going to happen but you still carry on and shout I @*^!ing knew that would happen when it does.

P Ottewell

There's also the adjustable or Crescent wrench used to scrape the skin off of your knuckles.
Martin Washington

Don't forget car ramps. Used in pairs to make your car raise only one side at a time as the other shoots across the floor.

Good spot to put your prescription eyeglasses so they won't get walked on is by the foot of the ramp's incline. Works great too as no one can step on them and then you proceed to back the car over them as it comes down off the incline! Don't ask me how I know about that one!
Clive Reddin

Clive,
I dropped my glasses in the drive and then ran over them. I rang the insurance people to say what had happened. The response was "were you wearing them at the time?" Not intended to be a funny, just the next question on the list as it determined what section of the insurance cover applied. Seemed funny to me at the time.

MIG welder - a sophisticated piece of equipment for instantly blasting ragged holes in the carefully crafted and intricately folded bodywork patch that you have taken 2 days to make.
Guy

Then there is the 1 foot long flourescent inspection lamp. You know the one, that no matter where you hang it, it always turns and shines in your eyes until you remedy this by throwing it up the garage where it explodes showering the inside (top down) of your car with shards of glass. I plead the fifth on any questions as to how I know this.

Bernie.
b higginson

Giving credit where credit is due, the bit above is a modified version of Peter Egan's "Side Glances" column, as published in Road & Track mag in April '96. As something of an Egan fan, I like to mention this whenever it shows up again. :-)

Here's the full text of the original: http://www.woodbutcher.net/tools.shtml

And yes, I think this one was one of Egan's funniest pieces. I wrote a letter to their editor in response, and they actually published it.

-:G:-
Gryf Ketcherside

Bernie

Flourescent lamps are full of mercury and should be disposed of in a suitable manner, perhaps not against a wall. LOL
Robert (Bob) Midget Turbo

Bob. I must have breathed in some of that mercury, because I now find that on a warm day I'm 5ft.10, but in the winter I'm only 4ft.6.. I know, Sorry, I couldn't help it!

Bernie.
b higginson

This thread was discussed between 11/12/2011 and 13/12/2011

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